"Boring" day

Today was one of those average days where you have a decent amount to report back on tho at the same time. I honestly can't understand when people say that literally nothing happened in their day. Like there had to have been one documentable or reportable moment! Here are some of mine:

I freakin killed leg day at the gym. Or it killed me. Those are interchangeable right? Either way, it's over!

My butt actually seems to be growing. Slowly but surely. Shout out to Rauve.

I got a cough attack mid transaction at work and straight left the cash register and went and threw up in the bathroom from coughing so hard. Hahahahha. Life.

Work was slow as heck. My net was only $500. Oh well.

My bosses are literally begging me not to quit bc I'm their top seller in the dept. so they're suuuper willing to work with my schedule now and this has somehow won my previously hard-A assistant manager's heart. Idk. Ok.

I got the first spiritual prompting I've had in awhile and followed it and found out later I was right. So I think that's a sign I've been forgiven.

A lady brought her angel Sheltie pup into work and it kissed me on the lips. I fell in love.

I have to get an IUD. Ugh

I'm realizing I'm not getting anywhere with wedding planning and i feel stuck.

I closed with a sweet coworker who told me her life story while we walked to our cars which broke my heart then told me it was so fun closing with me. Heart broke a little more. Idk how to handle such a genuine and nice person. They're so rare and precious. I didn't deserve it. Any of it.

So that was my "ordinary day." My average. The kind of day I will forget about very soon. But life is interesting. If it wasnt, I would die.

So today I woke up with a sore throat, itchy eyes, and a bloated stomach. Coughing started and followed me throughout the day and I started my period the second I got to work. Awesome! It was blazing hot today and I decided to wear a long sleeve midi dress. I felt like I was going to throw up all day too. Super awesome. But for the real good news: WE BOOKED A VENUE AND IT'S PERFECT. Adam's parents are angels. Literally sent from above.

I've decided I hate my job and I'm quitting. I also decided the gym can wait til tomorrow.

I'm Baaaaack

So a lot has happened in the last three years and God told me today that I needed to start keeping a journal again. So here I am. This is the journal.

Today I lied so I could go to church. Kind of contradictory right? I'm still debating my eternal damnation for that one.

This whole starting a journal thing again is hard because I want my reader to understand fully and that requires background stories which are hard to fit into nutshells. I'll try my best though.

I forgot how much I loved writing.

Today was a decent day.

I realized how much more serious I need to get about my personal spirituality. I need to read my patriarchal blessing more. Shoot, it's straight from God and postmarked to me for goodness sakes. I felt today how Adam really does fit the description in there. Life with him is going to be good.

Wedding planning is coming along.

I want to be nicer. I'm going to work on that.

I'm exhausted and going to bed now. Maybe I'll expound on the background stories tomorrow.

She's The Man

and i guess i don’t miss you

i miss the feelings 

and i miss the love

i miss the happy

..or what i thought was happy

but no,

if i saw you now.

if you were to walk in and sit down,

i wouldn’t let you touch me

im repulsed by you

now that i’ve been able to take a step back

your mask has slipped off

and your actions unveiled 

i can finally see you for what you truly are

which is ugly

we 

are 

done

and i am 

happy

 

Sometimes It's Hard

She had this ability to cast a spell on people

And They loved her.

Because she was genuine,

She wouldn't hold her feeling in

If you were privileged enough,

She'd pour it all over you 

Let you taste every drop

despite her warnings, 

they continued to love her

Despite her warnings

They didn't know how to stop

and she just couldn’t love them they way they needed her to

because things had happened 

things she couldn't rewind

someone would have to unravel her

she needed them to

if they ever wanted to get to her

take her apart and put her back together

learn all her secret places

to know how to save her

so she knew she was worth something

worth anything

worth everything

but she'd never let any in
you see, she was broken
and she didn't want to break them
too

Emotional Walls

i believe the heart has many facets with many locks that require many keys..and the people that come into your life hold keys that open up certain parts of your heart and that is why you act differently or similarly with certain people - based on the keys which they hold. 

i know that is why i only like showing emotion to certain people..because they hold the key that opens that part of my heart. but those that have abused that key have forced the door shut far tighter than it was before and the locks have changed now. and i don’t know how or when to open it again.

The truth is, I'm in pieces

It was all his til I was forced to take it back 

But in that insane tug of war, I only managed to recover a tiny shred

He doesn't even know how much I left behind

And now I'm trying to rebuild it by bumming love off of passerby

I thought I was fine 

Now I'm 5 people in but still longing for old parts

Hey stranger, 

Can you help me love this new heart?

truest statement of the year: i have given 110 to someone who possessed what i thought was my skeleton key. but he didn’t understand or appreciate that insanely precious privilege and gift. now i can’t comprehend when people do appreciate or understand or who treat me the way i treated the person who didn’t care. so, I'm sorry future guys. purely because you get to deal with a heart that you didn't break. and i don't know which one is worse: being in love with someone who can't love you back, or not being capable of loving someone that deserves every bit of it. i guess i've been on both sides now, babe.

xoxo

Sam

Lay It On Me

Rub it in my face

Immerse me in it 

I want to know how over it is

So I can free myself and never look back

I want to bury any feeling

so deep

it’s crushed 

beneath the seismic weight

of my heart’s apathetic tectonic plates